?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Recent Entries Friends Archive Profile Tags To-Do List
 
 
 
 
 
 
This journal is going to go really in depth of my psyche.  Like, this is going to be a full on adventure.  Hang onto your pants, and don't pee in 'em, as Cid Highwind would say (only.... less nice).
Anyway, this is going to be super crazy, somewhat thought out, but it's going to cover me.  Like, in a nutshell me.

Recently, there's been a thing going around on Facebook where you have to write out some amount of things nobody knows about you.  Just, really random things.
I participated and found 9 semi-superficial things to talk about.  Woo?

I'm going to do it again, because if you don't know these two facts about me, the rest of this post will make absolutely NO sense to you.  At all.
Seriously....

After you understand those basic facts, I'm going to walk through my emotions after NaNoWriMo.  It was my first year participating, and I actually figured out a lot about myself as a person from this thing.  Ha ha.

I guess you don't actually have to know these facts about me to understand my emotions on NaNo, but I'll get it off my chest anyway.



Anyway, first things first.  Me, in a nutshell.

  1. I don't feel shame like most people do.  I lack the bit in my brain that says "hey, you shouldn't say that.  You should keep your mouth shut.  This is a bad idea.  Turn back now.  You should regret ever doing that."  Like, I regret things, sure, that's only human, but I'm an open book BECAUSE I lack shame (more on that later). Nothing in me tells me to shut up, and nothing in me tells me that there's a regret.  I just lack it.  I don't really have a problem with it because it causes me to permanently be in the present/future.  It does have to be awkward to be around me when I'm pulling a no-shame moment, though.

  2. I don't know when to shut up.  I don't know where lines are that I may have crossed.  I don't know when I've gone too far.  It's not that I can't read sarcasm, and it's not that I can read people, because of a lot of things, I'm more in tune to how people feel than they are.  It's strange, but true.  Because I lack shame, though, I can't tell when I've said too much.  I basically speak everything that's on my mind because there's no filter, and sometimes that can really alienate people because I can't tell when I'm being stupid and talking too much (like right now but I'm talking about myself and you can look at me however you want and make fun of me for whatever you want, I don't really care.  It's 2am, and I'm understanding myself.)

  3. I can tell how you're emoting.  This and 4 are big and the ones most necessary to understand for the rest of the entry. I understand everyone ELSE'S emotions.  I'm a super empath or something.  I understand people. It's a thing where I can tell when someone is trying to cover up emotions by their EYES.  I can look into them and be like "oh, you're lying.  Something's actually wrong."  Even if the person isn't aware it's there. This is because my brain doesn't feed me emotions.  I can't feel them. That's WHY I'm a monotone creeper sometimes.

  4. I can't force emotions.  It's nothing I actually try to be.  I can't emote.  This is why reading emotions is a huge deal for me.  When there's a situation happening, you can bet your ass I'm feeding on YOUR emotions to tell me how to react.  THIS is when I actually feel something.  It makes me a super sympathetic crier.  If there's water-works, I'm gonna cry.  (awkward story about this later maybe).  Someone came in my room once in shock to tell me super terrible news.  Since they were in shock there was no emotion.  So what do I do in the face of that emotion?  I freaking LAUGH.  All out, full on laugh.  I'm not proud of it, and it's not how I should have reacted, but it was the only thing my brain gave me to work with.  I actually freak out and hole up if I have to confront situations especially ones where people are angry because I get frustrated and it's a whole debacle, and it's not pretty.  If there's going to be talking and a group, I'm worn out after 20 minutes and want to curl up in bed.  Extreme depression gives me migraines, and extreme apathy and fear make me incredibly ill.  I'm not kidding either.  Stress actually shuts my immune system down.  Regular anger doubles in me, for some reason.  You use a sharp tone with me, and you can bet your ass your head is gonna be shoved up it.  I honestly don't even mean to do this to people, but it's the way I read and react to emotions, especially anger.

  5. Lacking physical emotions (except when people are around for me to feed off of like a vampire) has actually caused me to write a lot more recently.  I write because it's the only way to actually FEEL normal.  It's the only way to say "I understand what I was supposed to be feeling, but I physically couldn't give it".  Writing gives me the release I don't give to people.


Enter NaNoWriMo.  For those of you who don't know what that is, it stands for National Novel Writing Month (or something).  It's an event that takes place every November.  I thought it would be fun to enter this year (after a bit of convincing from a few really good friends).  Basically you write 50,000 or more words throughout the month of November (about 1667 words a day) in the form of a novel.  It's incredibly fun, and I cannot express the proper words of how much I needed something like this.

NaNoWriMo is probably the coolest thing Amazon could have gotten behind.  It inspires people to write and such.

Point being, I decided to go really dark and mysterious with my story I named Perspectives.  To sum up the idea behind it, "It is all a matter of perspectives, no matter which way it is cut.  Kaitlyn couldn't see the blessing beside her, only finding the negatives, blaming Zachary for everything going wrong.  Zachary wants nothing but to keep her safe - but has outcasted himself in his pursuit to do so.  It is all a matter of how you look at the situation."  It was SO much fun to work on all month, and I couldn't wait for the hours to sit down and write all 50,000 words
(especially after coming up with it at 11:59PM October 31).  Except, those hours never came to me.  I never really could sit down and write more than a few hundred each day if that.

I ended this month only writing 14,803.  Working a job that takes up my only free day outside of school (sundays excluded because I spend Sundays with my roommates and homework), and on Academic Probation, I've been spending a lot of time on school and getting stuff done.  That and Phoenix Wright came out this month and I'll be damned if I didn't finish that game.  Baaah.
I don't want to say I wasn't motivated, because my every thought was about Perspectives, even in classes when I'd sometimes break down and make notes about what should happen next while taking actual notes in class (or if an idea was super eating at me, I'd write the section down).

This past week, I've been utterly down on myself for not trying harder to win NaNo.  For not setting my standards high from the start (I basically started with the promise of not finishing this month).  I've been beating myself up for not being as dedicated to this as a lot of my friends were (most of whom definitely went way over 50k words).  I spent the last four days dreading getting on facebook because I'd always feel an overwhelming sense of jealousy towards the people who could finish in time, and here I was barely hitting 10k.  At one point I curled up in bed and cried for about an hour because of how much of a failure I am at writing.

I know better. I KNOW I'm better than that.  I know I'm a really GOOD writer.  I honestly had the worst November when it came to free time.  I still couldn't get over the overwhelming fear that I was going to become nothing.

And then it really hit me.  I'm freaking majoring in MEDIA COMMUNICATION.  Like, Productions of movies and acting.  I'm Minoring in Music, Worship, and freaking SPANISH.  Nowhere in there does it say that I'm not going to make anything of myself because I didn't finish writing a novel in a month.  Nowhere in there does it say that I should be beating myself up/verbally abusing myself because I couldn't accomplish something quite a few people can't.
I'm human, gosh dernnit.  I'm freaking human, and I have faults, but this isn't something I should hold against myself.

On the second to last day, I was sitting with a word count of just over 10,000 words, and talking to my boyfriend about how disappointed I was in myself.  Conversation is as follows (
warning, I'm a stream of consciousness typer, so I type short messages in bulk haha):

[11/29/13 12:01:02 AM] Sparrow the "Kovelowski": End of the day, 11675
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": ;~;
The Realest Halo: D:
The Realest Halo: You made some good progress to be fair
The Realest Halo: haha
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": I was hoping to get a [crap] ton done today
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": Like, Friday today
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": But
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": I think
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": when I go to bed is the last chance I get to work on this
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": and I'm utterly disappointed in myself
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": because
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": I utterly failed
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": at this whole thing
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": Because Friday I have to help put up/decorate the tree and I don't get an option there
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": and
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": [brother] was utterly pissed to even CONSIDER I don't want to go see a movie tomorrow
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": so mom is forcing me to go see [freaking] Catching Fire with him
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": Because OMG IF IT DIDN'T GET THE BEST REVIEWS YOU ARE THE WORST
The Realest Halo: aw
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": and ugh
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": I wanna see the movie
The Realest Halo: well honestly
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": but I really wanted to finish this month strong
The Realest Halo: you did though
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": and honestly in my heart writing >>>>> lazy movie watching
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": And
The Realest Halo: well fari enough
The Realest Halo: but
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": Saturday I have to go shopping
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": and then
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": I have my date with you
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": so today was my last day
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": and I'm seriously going to cry
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": And yes, I understand I'm being really petty
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": I just feel like I failed myself
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": and it sucks

And that was the turning point of everything, really.

Sparrow the "Kovelowski": I just got a peptalk in my inbox with this exact entence:
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": Or else you'll end up like me, writing a pep talk when you should be writing your NaNo-novel—and when you should really be doing your Spanish homework. (Or trying to do all three at once.)
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": OHMYGODTHISISSOME
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": "One last thing, and bear with me.
If at the end of this month, you find you haven't written a novel (as I will probably find), and have that "Shucks, I didn't write a novel" feeling: laugh at yourself.
Seriously, think about it: you just got a little angry at yourself because you didn't write a novel. In a month. Ha! I would have never guessed I'd ever think that. Let alone complain about it. So instead think this: "Shucks. I didn't write a novel. Neither did about seven billion other people. But I tried. So there."
Tai"
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": yup i broke

Guys.  Guys.  I legitimately started crying right there.  It echoed my emotions so perfectly I couldn't help it.  This Tai person literally had summed up everything I'd been kicking myself for for the past week, and it couldn't have come at a better time.
Tears in my eye, I made a new goal.  I swore to myself I'd hit 25k by the end of November 30.

Determination set in, and my entire dynamic in my conversation switched.


[11/29/13 1:52:46 AM] Sparrow the "Kovelowski": 1741 words since midnight
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": and I took like, a 40 minute break
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": haha

[11/29/13 2:35:41 AM] Sparrow the "Kovelowski": 2203
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": that's 13k, right?
The Realest Halo: O:

(there was a break here as my bf did stupid things like falling down the stairs (he was ok!))

[11/29/13 3:32:50 AM] Sparrow the "Kovelowski": there
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": hit 3k
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": since midnight
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": 10k more
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": in the next 2 days
Sparrow the "Kovelowski": woooo?
The Realest Halo: God dang
The Realest Halo: You are
The Realest Halo: Incredible when you put your midn to soemthing

Guys, this really happened.  I actually.  Wrote.  3k in a little over 3 hours.  THis is incredibly possible (which is why I left the timestamps of the first messages in there).  I was at an absolute high.

Honestly, I'm still on that high, despite the month being over.  I learned a lot about myself.  A bit of what I learned as follows:


My endgoal in life is to actually publish a book at least once in my lifetime.  Perspectives was the beginning of seeing that goal, and despite not hitting the deadline, I did actually do more than I ever expected of myself being as busy as I was.

NaNoWriMo taught me a lot about myself.  It taught me that I did more in one month than some people can do.  I can do a lot in a month.

It also taught me the practice of discipline
and not playing video games when you can write and how you can write stories OUT OF ORDER.  I don't know why this was such a foreign concept for me up until today haahaha.

Anyway, NaNoWriMo gave me the chance to reflect on myself as a person, and honestly?  I can't wait for next November.  I already have my story in mind.  Dark mysterious Sci-Fi.

I'll see you at the finish line, guys!  :D


Love and Peace,
~Sparrow (AKA Larsa Solidor)


P.S.  I'm not giving up Perspectives since I did actually promise people I'd get it finished (Someone said by December, we'll see).  I'm proud of this baby, and it will get done.  If you ever want to read Perspectives, though, I'd be happy to pass on what I have to you.  :D
 
 
 
 
 
 
Haha. It took me a few minutes to come up with that. Gonna go cry.

Anyway, hopefully this post follows a obvious train of thought. If not... I'm sorry if it's hard to follow?

So... I went out last week and bought a few new games. One of which was one that I have had my eye on for like.... AGES. Since I first got into the series. ((Which was rather recently. Shaddap)). I am a big fan of games... And love it when they have good graphics. However, some of my favourite games are those without good graphics. ((Well, good as of NOW. They were amazing when they came out..) such as Ocarina of Time and Final Fantasy VII. ANYWAY.... I have recently been on a game spending spree.

When I was at Gamestop last time... My boyfriend and I pre-ordered Halo:Reach. ((We might upgrade to the more expensive one... >.<;; I mean... It does sound REALLY AWESOME with other stuff. :D ))

But the big game we got (other than Resident Evil: Darkside Chronicles) was DEVIL MAY CRY 4. OH MY GAWD I'VE BEEN DYING TO GET THIS FOR A WHILE NOW. No. I still haven't beaten 3. No. I haven't played DMC 1 or 2. I HAVE watched the really REALLY good! fail anime. I've even read part of the manga. Can we say I love the series? Ok... No... but whatever.

{Spoilers below the break. Read at your own RISK. However I haven't beaten the game, so NO ENDING SPOILERS. :D}

This game is SO TOTALLY AWESOME AND YOU SHOULD PLAY!Collapse )

Anyhow, maybe this isn't as easy to follow as I was hoping... nor exactly what I wanted, but I wanted a bit of a release to rave about this game. If you haven't played it yet... GO DO SO. :D

-Larsa
 
 
 
 
 
 
Are there any movies you watch when you're feeling anxious or depressed? If so, what are they, and what about them calms you down and/or lifts your spirits?


I tend to watch more depressing movies when I'm down like Moulin Rouge, or Second Hand Lions. Movies where the ending is just... D'aaaaw worthy. It's not that it calms me down or lifts my spirits, in fact it makes the depression worse. Briefly. Once I have no tears left to cry, I can think clearly, and remember happier times in life. And THAT is what cheers me up~
 
 
 
 
 
 
Alright guys, let's mosey~

>3


1. Xyk
2. elad
3. CrossFire
4. chibi_riki
5.
6.
7. IntoRapture
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13. JusticeGuy
14.
15.
====MINIMUM?====
16.
17.
18. LightofHope18 (OMGYESSS!)
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.

Alternates:

A. LOL
B. ROFL
C. *dies*

Remember, the asterisk means I sent your role to you.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Yikes. Took forever to get to this... and now my hand is cramping from all the rules. So let's make this one simple, YES? D8

And remember boys and girls... A * by your name means your role has been sent. 8D

PLAYERS LIST:

1. Scheris~, FRANCE, and Peaceful Country (investigator) * Killed Night 1
2. elad *
3. CrossFire *
4. InuKun, CANADA, PEACEFUL COUNTRY * lynched per request day 6
5. Sasuya, The United States of America, PEACEFUL COUNTRY * killed night 4
6. Namanda, SINGAPORE, and PEACEFUL COUNTRY * Lynched Day three at her request
7. Kelsey Kay, GERMANY, PEACEFUL COUNTRY * lynched day SEVEN
8. R
9. Konata
*
10. Chibi_Riki, Peaceful Country, JAPAN * killed night 6
==ABSOLUTE MINIMUM==
11. Cake Batter *
12. xSPADEofHEART *
13. Essie, SOUTH KOREA, PEACEFUL COUNTRY ((Town protector)) * Lynched day 2
14. Emmy Doll, ROMANIA, PEACEFUL COUNTRY * Killed Night 2
15. lybi, Egypt, VIGILANTE * Killed night... Five?
16. mongtsatsa, SPAIN, PEACEFUL COUNTRY * lynched day 7
17. Sirius~!, THE COUNTRY THAT IS SIRIUS-alias POLAND, HEAD MAFIA * LYNCHED DAY 4
18. Patricia Martin, RUSSIA, and PEACEFUL COUNTRY * lynched as per request day (5?)
19. N
20. Q



Alternates-though I doubt there'll be any...

1. No, random country and ticket lynched day one
2. Person 2

I think I like this colour. Called Bruce Wayne. =D
 
 
 
 
 
 
W00t~ I was SOO not ready for this one to start even though I kind of had a feeling it would start today. 8D

Anyhow, here's your players list.

* =role sent~
1. Lenne (!!)/Manabi/InuKun 2.o*
2. Essie*
3. mongtsatsa*, MARLENE WALLACE, TOWN INVESTIGATOR

4. Konata*
5. xSPADEofHEART* , JESSE, and TOWN

6. snowfender*, BARRET WALLACE, TOWN HERO
7. JellyBeanQueen2, SEPHIROTH, HEAD OF THE MAFIA
8. Rikka (!! YEY!)* , LUCRECIA CRESCENT, NEUTRAL
9. InuKun*, HONEY BEE INN BEE, VANILLA TOWNIE
10. elad*AERITH GAINSBOROUGH, TOWN HERO
11. Namanda*
12. Sasuya*
13. Russ*
14. Kelsey Kay* , RED XIII/NANAKI, TOWN HERO
15. Jerfrery, RUFUS SHINRA, MAFIA SECOND IN COMMAND
=MINIMUM AMOUNT NEEDED=

16. Hokage Titan*, CHOCOBO BILLY, Vanilla Townie
17. Sirius*, PROFESSOR HOJO, MAFIA
18. LightofHope18 ((YEY!))*
19. bkdbear1991*, CAIT SITH, TOWN INVESTIGATOR
20. Jaela, Scarlet, MAFIA
21. Patricia Martin* , REEVE TUESTI, TOWN INVESTIGATOR
22. ?? 8D FUSHIGI MYSTERY!!, NO LYNCH, MOOGLE, TOWN


ALTERNATES (OMG. I didn't think I'd need this!)

1. Manabi
2.


For anyone interested, that font colour is actually called Cait Sith... as Vincent's is a really random green (that you'll see a bit later. 8D)

All right, everyone, let's mosey
-Cloud Strife

Cool? Hmmm... I guess that's just the way I am, sorry.
-Vincent Valentine (<33333)

Shut up! Sit your ass down in that chair and DRINK YOUR GODDAMN TEA!
-Cid Highwind (YEY)

Check back often. I might post pictures, or even different quotes here. 8D

WE'VE GOT OURSELVES A REUNION GAME. 8D
 
 
 
 
 
 
Well... Here we go. xD

1. Sentrovasi
2. Kelsey Kay
3.
4. InuKun
5.  Pull
6.
7. Elly
8. Chinomi
9.
10. Sasuya
11. LittleStar
12. Konata
13.
14. Patricia Martin
15.
==Minimum if nobody wants to play==
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
==Hopeful minimum?!==
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.

Alternates:

1. Mongtsatsa
2.
3.


Have at it ladies and gents~ And don't forget thine keyblade (lolwut?!)

Yeah.

Just go sign up now. >.>

((And while you wait, a moment (or more) of laughter provided by:

PATRICIA MARTIN!

[6:31:14 PM] Yuki Nagato says: Creed: YO YO YO TRAIN COME BACK TO ME MAH HOMIE DOGIE CATTIE IZZLE! ....YO!
Train: ....wtf....
Creed: YO!
Train: MOMMY! THERE IS A PEDOPHELO BY ME!
Creed: Yo?
Sven: MOMMIEZ COMING!!!
Eve: What's... going on here?

That has been... your moment or so of laughter.  xD

*runs off to watch FF VII: Dirge of Cerberus walkthrough on Youtube*

...feel free to lol at the avatar too. xD
 
 
 
 
 
 
I'm unoriginal. Shut up.

Players list:

1. Roxas
2. nekoxizzy
3. Kyo_starr
4. quila333
5. Elly
-MINIMUM-
6. Kyoko-chan
7. Konata
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.

GO!
 
 
 
 
 
 
Which Final Fantasy Most Describes You?

FF 7
FF 7
You've gone through your fare share of relocation, which has accustomed you to adapting well. Whether or not you're looking for adventure, it finds you anyway. There seem to be many mysteries clouding your life and you feel as though you're battling to keep your entire world alive. Most any place you go, you've got some acquaintances, and you find you can get along with all types of people, though you find that one true friend just out of your reach. Love captivates your soul, but you feel as though it isn't as important as getting a job done.
How do you compare?
Take this test! | Tests from Testriffic</font>
</div>
 
 
 
 
 
 
Which Final Fantasy 7 chracter fits you?

Vincent
Vincent
Quiet and Scary, but your probably the most coolest person in your group. Everyone respects you by just looking at you and you seem to never get into trouble unless you wanted to be. Your mostly by yourself with your own thing, but when you need friends, you always got them. Great shooting skills, always fighting in nice style and moves. Your struggling a bit with some problems you keep low, but your friends keep you happy. No matter what happen, your never behind of anything or ahead.
How do you compare?
Take this test! | Tests from Testriffic</font>
</div>